I have mentioned several times before about the mental and emotional challenges presented in recovery and how these are often ignored for the physical challenges. We are well aware of the physical challenges and they get a lot of attention in terms of massage, physical therapy, exercise, and other bodywork. The physical side of things can change our lives and cause pain and discomfort. That is why doctors are paid so well. But the side of effect of the physical injury is really what this does to our confidence, our mood, and our overall state of mind. It sets us on an emotional roller coaster that is very difficult to exit.
Immediately following my injury and subsequent surgery I maintained a fairly positive attitude. I was, though, quite in shock and couldn't believe my misfortune. I do remember feeling quite helpless at times and kept looking for opportunities to do something besides sit around and wait for the bone to heal. I ended up doing a lot of pull-ups and dips (probably too many) just to make myself feel like I was doing something to physically improve myself. Surprisingly, at the beginning, I thought I could beat the injury quickly. I learned though that I had an injury that wasn't going to heal fast and I learned it the hard way. The original surgeon I had was an ADD nut-job and he threw my head into a tizzy. And the injury was going to take time to heal; it didn't matter how good of shape I was in. I wasn't 25 anymore and I had broken the biggest bone in my body. Thus, I became more of head case than I already was.
To deal with it and feed my mental and emotional side, I threw myself into my job. So much so that I took only 2 days off from work after the surgery and didn't really take any time off until after I got off crutches. In fact, at the time I considered time off from work to be a waste because I couldn't do much anyway beside sit around. So I thought might as well work. This ended up causing me to develop quite a chip on my shoulder for some reason and brought out my inner rebellious side. I stopped cutting my hair and I was listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs like I was 21 again. In reflection, it was a strange time.
And in the end it backfired a bit. I ended up getting upset at someone at work and got myself into some hot water for a while. It was nothing severe or fatal but it dinged my reputation a little. And unfortunately it it continued to feed the chip on my shoulder. I wasn't exactly an angry man but certainly had a lost a lot of respect for authority.
Some of it eased once I got off the crutches and began therapy but still I was annoyed by my limp and my pain and flung myself into ultra problem solver mode. I think my mind was heading there from the beginning but it got worse and worse in the first few months of recovery. I used every free moment to research this or that up about how to fix my hip in one way or another. My mind was constantly thinking about recovery; so much so that I was probably never in the moment. I tend to be a bit scattered and perpetually thinking anyway so it wasn't a stretch, but I think I thought that I could intellectualize myself out of the injury. Perhaps there is some sort of truth to that - I think - but I never turned my mind off, ever. The constant running thoughts in and of itself became a point of stress. I lost sleep. I lost time. I lost precious moments.
Because of that I wasn't even able to enjoy some activities that could have relaxed. I have long been a habitual reader but during the accident I was only able to read 3 books: The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band about the band Motley Crue, Savages by Don Winslow, and Ultimate Rush by Joe Dirt. And what about these 3 books grabbed me I have no idea. Maybe they all have something to do with dirt or grit or rebelliousness. I did read them all very quickly - within a few days, eating up the words but hardly enjoying them. But the books were few and far between. Perhaps they were just a binge sessions to save myself from complete insanity. I don't know but actually sitting down to read seemed like a slow, non productive activity for a while. I am making a comeback now but it is still slow going. I still feel more comfortable grabbing the Ipad and looking up "lateral pelvic tilt" than I do grabbing a book.
I also couldn't pray. To be honest I don't pray every day or every week but I never would say I don't pray at all. I don't think I started again until a few months ago. It seemed like a such a non concrete activity. It didn't seem like it could help me at all. It was all too whimsical. I needed something I could do. So I did a lot of thinking.
This all built up to more and more anger. And more anxiety. The downside of thinking is that is causes the glass to always be quite full and it doesn't take much to cause it spill. 6 months after the injury I was mentally and emotionally worse off than I was immediately after the accident.
Thankfully that balloon finally deflated itself, mostly because I have made a constant effort to turn my head off as much as possible and try some radical acceptance and gratitude. In the end it also led to a much needed job change. I believe the job change would have come with or without the accident but it probably would have happened differently.
In the end I learned that you can't think your way to recovery. It is good to be proactive and be looking for ways to improve and get better but after a certain point it is really about consistency and time. So as long as you are willing to keep at it and not quit, then over time you will get better. But you can't constantly be worrying or thinking about it. Trust me it is the hardest thing to do. You just want to solve the problem. Yet that causes us to miss out on so many great things in life. For me I missed out on some great books and movies and on a daily basis missed out on the little things like a sunset or beautiful bird or beautiful woman walking by. I probably missed out at work because while on conference calls I was multitasking and lost an opportunity to learn something or find an opportunity to advance myself.
The real interesting thing is that while I was (and still am) recovering, I am still alive. I can still take deep breaths and feel my heart beating. I can still be in the moment. I can still choose not get lost in my head. These are things that would have made my recovery much more enjoyable or manageable. Or at least made it easier on myself. Mindfulness - the practice of staying in the moment - is good for everyone but recovery by its nature causes us to naturally retreat inward and protect ourselves. While typically the focus is to do what ever we can to improve the body, equal measures should be taken to improve and relax the mind. Because a relaxed mind leads to relaxed body. And a relaxed body is one that is open to healing and adjustment and balance.
Mindfulness is certainly easier said than done and takes a lot of practice. There are hundreds of books on the topic. Whether you are in recovery or not, the act of being in the moment and turning off the running thoughts can make everything easier. The past is in the past and the future is in the future. All you have is in the present. And being in the present sometimes isn't where the bruised and battered want to be. But it is a heck of a lot better than being dead or dying or with incurable cancer. So consider the alternative. Someone always has it worse than you.
So go and enjoy the little things in life. Notice life around you and be mindful of everything but yourself, at times. Look at it as a mental break you can take at any moment. And it doesn't cost a thing. All it takes is an off switch for the mind. Problem is that it takes a little while to find it.
Thanks for reading...
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